The city that never sleeps , cliché yes, but true. I journeyed from sky scrapers, a burst of cultures to a low populated terrain and a culture far beyond any that I’ve experienced. Making that decision took hours and hours of crying, pleading, begging for guidance. Best friends, acquaintances, no one outside my small LDS bubble truly understood my desire for this new and different life. To be honest sometimes neither did I, but I felt a burning within my heart that Brigham Young University (BYU) was the place I needed to be. Deciding to attend BYU a week before school would officially start was like going into a dark maze with only a well charged flash light, but no idea of how to make it out safe and alive.
Upon arriving in Utah I spent the first week and a half with the Kellys, a generous LDS family, along with my former young women’s president Laura and her husband Jesse. I was grateful for their love and gratitude but I still felt like a fish out of water at school. I cling close to Nikita one of my friends from New York City who had previously gone through what I was now experiencing. The transition began to get harder as the plot thickened. I finally found an apartment at Alpine Village and moved in that Wednesday night. My brain was filled with water, no idea what to think or do, it was just emptiness. Laura and Jesse helped me move even though a part of me didn’t want to leave the Kellys. That night I met two of my new roommates, my first ever roommates besides my sister or brother. They seemed like really nice girls but I still felt awkward and weird. After Jesse and Laura left I stayed in my room, door locked, unpacking my clothes and books.
Alone I looked through my bedroom window at the mountains and the night sky. There was a black hole inside of me, I felt the chill of the air brush upon me. I was constantly having flash backs causing me to laugh and also wonder, wonder what the future would hold. I could no longer go in my sister’s room and talk with her while she cleaned, or raid her closet trying to make a cool outfit. In the days following my move I continued to feel alone, I spoke very little in class and I didn’t interact with people a lot, actions completely opposite from who I was back in New York City. Would people get my sarcasm? Would they feel offended if I made a mean comment even if it was a joke? Would they get me? All these questions plus a lot more were going through my head and all I could do was analyze the students around me to somehow understand their various personalities. I felt like an outsider to some degree and I chose to further isolate myself.
During my breaks and in between classes instead of interacting with people around me I was constantly on the phone with my friends back in NYC whether it was texting or talking to them. I felt like I wouldn’t mesh well with anyone in Utah like I did with my friends in NYC. There was no one like Lizette, Felicia and Woodie, I was constantly comparing people here with my NYC friends and the NYC social life. I prayed constantly asking the Lord for help. I felt that he lead me here and I just wasn’t sure what the purpose was. What am I suppose to learn? Who am I suppose to help? I didn’t know. I felt I like I was taken out of my comfort zone and left to find my way. I kept receiving motivations from what seemed like everyone but within myself all I could say was “they don’t really understand.” Then my English teacher Sister Steadman while reviewing one of my papers began to talk to me about my transition to BYU and how I was handling it. Within our talk I felt the voice of the bishops wife coming through, and I felt comforted with each word she spoke. I needed to step outside my comfort zone I needed to not just sit and analyze people, I needed to get to know them through conversations.
I was praying to the Lord asking for help and guidance while I sat waiting for something amazing to happen. The discussion with Sister Steadman made me realize I was doing something wrong. I continued to pray to find opportunities to interact with people but as they came rapidly I past them up even faster. I didn’t know how to act, what to say, the style of talking was so different the way people dressed was different. I found so many faults with Utah and its poeple so I wouldn’t have to try. I hated the idea of having to start all over, I just didn’t feel like it. I felt out of place at school and at church.
My first impression of the girls in my ward was “oh my gosh! what the heck?” I felt like I was in the twilight zone surrounded by girls with big hair, a tone of makeup, mini dresses and stilettos. I told my roommate “I have never seen anything like this before unless I was at a fashion show which it would obviously be accepted.” My honest impression of these girls were “rich snobs and stepford wives, defiantly not the type of people I normally hang out with and probably won’t.” My issues with Utah began to grow. I love hanging out with guys rather than girl unless the girls were amazingly laid back but it was different here. The girls dressed like girly girls which turned me off and the boys seemed strange and unlike those in NYC. To add to that, the whole LDS dating, marriage thing also made me not want to talk to the guys out of fear they would think I wanted to date them. I had never been surrounded by Latter Day Saints on such an intense day to day basis. It was one thing after another, I had the weight of Utah on my shoulders trying to walk in a storm with no Liahona.
I began reflecting on Sister Steadman’s talk with me. I had told her that I would try but I really wasn’t. I thought of the counseling, the advice and the warmth that I had received from all those who loved and cared about me. I needed to make a change and I started with my ward. I began to pray but this time I didn’t just ask the Lord to help me, I asked him “to help me help myself, to fulfill thy will and to help me fulfill my purpose here.” Began making an effort to get to know my roommates and to spend time with them. I began to spend “quality time” with them and soon didn’t feel weird and awkward around them anymore. I felt the weight of Utah beginning to lift off my shoulders and I decided to continue with this attitude. I decided that my family home evening group would be the next target. I slowly began to show interest in group activities and started to make sarcastic remarks as well as just making comments. In so doing I began to build relationships with various members of the group and I began to feel like I belonged. There were people who did understand me, and my sense of humor. How I viewed the girls in my ward also began to change. Yes they dress a lot different but we had something in common, the gospel. Getting to know some of them showed me that beneath all the makeup they were filled with warmth and love. Now all I had to do was try the same thing on the BYU campus.
I started off like a snail trying to win a Nascar race. With each approaching day I tried to say hi to at least one person and I hoped for some of the conversation to progress. Along with me making this goal I realized that other people were also trying to talk to me, so decided to try and engage them in conversation if I could. Although this is a work in progress I have seen much success and made some interesting friends. Yes there not like Lizette, Woodie or Felicia but no two people are the same, and I would never want to replace my friends, I will simply just add to the existing ones.
